Church bulletin bloopers

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

5. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

6. Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

7. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

16 Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S is done.

20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

24. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

Signs to Bring a Smile

Signs To Bring A Smile

Sign of the times in Ontario.

Sign on the back of the Honey Wagon

Political statement on the back of another Honey Wagon

[No comment required]

Sign in subway car.

Sign in Public Waiting Room.

Sign by patient customer.who didn’t wait. (Haven’t you felt like this at times?)

Oh! We don’t want to make them sick, do we?

Tibetan Mastiff

The Tibetan Mastiff (Do-khyi) is a very ancient breed and type of domestic dog (Canis lupus familiaris) originating with nomadic cultures of Central Asia, and is especially identified with Tibet.
Appearance
The Tibetan Mastiff is among the largest breeds. It is found in a heavier mastiff type and a more moderately sized mountain type. Its sturdy bone structure and large, wide head makes it appear considerably more massive than other dogs of a similar height. It can reach heights up to 31+ inches (80+cm) at the withers, although the standard for the breed is typically in the 25 to 28 inch (61 to 72 cm) range. History records the largest of the breed weighing over 110 kg but dogs in America are more typically between 100lb (45kg) to 160lb (72kg). The Tibetan Mastiff is considered a primitive breed and is one of the only dog breeds that have a single oestrus per year instead of two. This characteristic is still found in more primitive canids species like wolf. Since their oestrus  usually takes place during late fall, most Tibetan Mastiff puppies are born between December and January.
Its double coat is long, and found in a wide variety of colors from solid black to tri-color with the rarest being white. Like other types of mastiffs, the larger variety has a heavier head and more pronounced wrinkling, while the mountain type has a smoother brow with less jowling, giving them a drier mouth than other mastiff breeds. They are also hypoallergenic with a thick double coat that only sheds once per year.
Tibetan Mastiffs are separated by Chinese breed-standard into two categories – Lion Head (relatively smaller in size, exceptionally long hair from forehead to withers, creating a ruff or mane) and Tiger Head ( larger in size, shorter hair)

Laughs

Armadillos can be housebroken.
*
Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark!
*
Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
*
About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!
*
A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 600 m.p.h! Wow!
~~~~~~~~~~
Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department answers a
call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car accident in the
Queens-Midtown Tunnel.
Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the
rear end of a Chrysler.
The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O’Boyle; the driver of the
Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein. After Officer McGuire verifies that
Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he
walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle.
Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O’Boyle and asks him, “Tell
me, Father, just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?”
~~~~~~~~~~
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
*
Q: How do you turn a washing machine into a snow plow?
A: Give her a shovel!
~~~~~~~~~~
A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator
of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle evidently told of a
time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, “Where
can I take you, Mr. Doyle?”
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him
before.
“No, sir,” the driver responded, “I have never seen you before.” Then he
explained: “This morning’s paper had a story about you being on vacation
in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from
Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on
vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that
you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding
up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur
Conan Doyle.”
“This is truly amazing!” the writer exclaimed. “You are a real-life
counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!”
“There is one other thing,” the driver said.
“What is that?”
“Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”
~~~~~~~~~~
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog.
The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went
to talk to Bernie.
The Rabbi asked, “What are doing here with a dog?”
Bernie replied, “The dog came here to pray.”
“Oh, come on.” says the Rabbi. “I don’t believe you. You are just
fooling around; that’s not a proper thing to do in temple.”
“Honest,” says Bernie, “Its true!”
“Ok”, says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie’s bluff), “then show
me what the dog can do.”
“OK” says Bernie nodding to the dog…The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his
head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the
quality of the praying he says to Bernie. “Do you think your dog would
consider going to Rabbinical school????”
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, “YOU TALK TO HIM! He
wants to be a doctor!”
~~~~~~~~~~
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound,
can he still hear his Walkman?
*
Q: What is the definition of “Endless Love.”
A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis
~~~~~~~~~~
A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my
father had not left me a fortune?”
“Darling,” the women replied sweetly, “I would have married you no
matter who left you a fortune.”

Not Sure I Like the “Change”

We have a President Elect who has never run anything, not even a corner store. Don’t tell me he ran his campaign, because he didn’t, he showed up and gave speeches. The candidate doesn’t have time to run the campaign.

We have a Vice President Elect who thinks FDR was President and America had TV when the stock market crashed in 1929, (Herbert Hoover was in office and Television didn’t become widely used until the ’50’s), he is also well known for his plagiarism in the late ’80s.

We have a Secretary of State nominee, who has never run anything, not even a corner store. Her claim to fame is that she is the wife of a former President, who had sex in the Oval Office, disgraced the Presidency and was impeached.

We have a CIA Director nominee who has never worked in the intelligence field and is expected to take over during the most dangerous times we have ever faced.

We have a Democrat Governor of Illinois who is the process of being impeached for trying to sell the Senate seat of the now President Elect. At the same time, the Democrat Senate is about to approve the person this Governor named as a replacement for that senate seat.

Now we have someone that is expected to replace Hillary Clinton as the new Senator from New York, who has never held office, has never run anything, not even a corner store, and whose only claim to fame is that she is worth over 100 million dollars and her father was President and was assassinated 45 years ago.

Finally, though I don’t think that this is the end, we have a nominee for Treasury Secretary who doesn’t pay his taxes.

Oh, this is really upbeat. Only someone with their head firmly where the sun doesn’t shine could think this is a positive situation.

Not sure I like the ‘Change’.

True story about ABC

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/practice.asp
There is another letter after the last one from ABC which is not included here -
go to above link to read entire correspondence etc – and yes it’s true.

Jim Neugent is a coach in

Childress, Texas.

Jim writes:
My name is Jim Neugent. I wrote to ABC (on-line) concerning a program called ‘THE PRACTICE.’ In last night’s episode, one of the lawyer’s mothers decided she is gay and wanted her son to go to court and help her get a marriage license so she could marry her ‘ partner. ‘ I sent the following letter to ABC yesterday and really did not expect a reply, but I did get one.

My original message was:

ABC is obsessed with the subject of homosexuality. I will no longer watch any of your attempts to convince the world that homosexuality is OK. ‘ THE PRACTICE ‘ can be a fairly good show , but last night’s program was so typical of your agenda. You picked the ‘dufus’ of th e office to be the one who w as against the idea of his mother being gay, and made him look like a whiner because he had convictions. This type of mentality calls people like me a ‘gay basher.’
Read the first chapter of Romans (that’s in the Bible) and see what the apostle Paul had to say about it…. He, God and Jesus were all ‘ gay bashers ‘ . What if she’d fallen in love with her cocker spaniel? Is that an alternative life style? (By the way, the Bible speaks against that, too.)
–Jim Neugent

Here is ABC ‘ s reply from the ABC on-line webmaster:

How about getting your nose out of the Bible (which is ONLY a book of stories compiled by MANY different writers hundreds of years ago) and read the declaration of independence (what our nation is built on), where it says ‘All Men are Created equal,’ and try treating them that way for a change!
Or better yet, try thinking for yourself and stop using an archaic book of stories as your lame crutch for your existence. You are in the minority in this country, and your boycott will not affect us at ABC or our freedom of statement.

Jim Neugent ‘ s second response ! to ABC: Thanks for your reply. From your harsh reply, evidently I hit a nerve. I will share it with all with whom I come in contact. Hopefully, the Arkansas Democrat Newspaper will include it in one of their columns and I will be praying for you.
- -Jim Neugent- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – – - – - – - – - – -
Note: Wouldn’t Satan just love it if people stopped using the Bible for a crutch? Please resend this to everyone in your mailbox.

– Thanks, Jim Neugent

Amazing pictures of money

Money makes the world go around. It also makes for some truly amazing pictures.

Lifted from an email I got, I claim no authorship

1. World’s Largest Gold Bar
The Mitsubishi Materials Corporation of Japan poured the World’s largest Gold bar. The bar is 17.9 inches by 8.9 inches and 6.7 inches high. All though it takes up the same amount of space as a large shoe box, you would not be able to lift it as It weighs 551.15 pounds. At the time it was poured it was worth $3.7 million.

2. $10,000 Dollar Bill

Yes it is real. The Federal Reserve used it to transfer money to and from banks and was never issued to the public. They also produced a $500, $1,000, $5,000 and even a $100,000 dollar note, see below. They were last printed in 1945 and have since been discontinued.

3. $100,000 Dollar Note

This is the 1934 $100,000 dollar note. It featured Woodrow Wilson.

4. What 50 Million Pennies Look Like

50 Million pennies were added to this “Memorial to the Missing”. It is suppose to represent the number of abortions since legalization in 1973. This enclosure weighs 156 tons and is worth a half million dollars. Pylons were driven into the foundation to support the bullet proof glass structure above.
5. Security Glass Advertisement

Most people have seen this picture floating around on the internet. Very simple and catchy advertisement. The money was real, but there was a security guard posted to make sure no one tried anything funny, like running over the sign with a SUV.
6. Dress Made With $100,000 Dollars
The dress was made to help promote a new gigantic lottery fund in the UK. The dress is made from Sterling Pound notes.

7. Portraits Made of Pennies

The artist behind these portraits and other artwork like this is Adrian Firth. The two pieces are called, Lizzie – pennies on mdf board 2008 and Made of Money – pennies on mdf board 2007.

8. Vault Of Gold
Fort Knox is where the mother lode of Gold is. This is a picture of one of many vaults filled with Gold.

9. What $1 Million Pennies Look Like

2.3 Tons of pennies sit in this glass box. It is part of a Holocaust memorial.
10. Pyramid Of Pennies

Another favorite that has been circulating the web. This pyramid contains 289,318 pennies to beat an old World Record. The owner has been adding to the pyramid and the website says it now has 403,135 pennies.
11. Largest Bank Vault Door In the World

The vault is located at the Federal Reserve Bank of Cleveland. The door has a height of 226 inches and weighs 42 metric tons. It also carries the distinction of having the largest hinge ever built. The vault is not longer in use, but the door remains for historical value.

12. 100 Million Pennies

It’s called the “Penny Harvest Field”. $1 million dollars worth of pennies were gathered for charity. The exhibit is 30 ft by 165 ft.

13. Drug Money

Another internet favorite. $207 million is said to have been taken during a raid on a drug dealer’s house in Mexico.
14. A Wall Of Gold

This Gold is part of the New York Federal Reserve Bank. The vault sits on the bedrock of New York 80 feet below the street surface and 50 feet below the sea level. You won’t be digging to get to this one. At the time of the photo, the vault had $86 billion in gold, 269 Troy tons.

15. Origami Money

Artist Marc Sky of New Jersey has hundreds of Origami Sculptures made of money. You can order his works online or book him for parties.

16. Largest Gold Nugget Ever Found

This is the world’s largest Gold Nugget ever found. Discovered in 1872 and is called the Holtermann Nugget. It was 630lbs in weight.

17. World’s Largest Gold Coin

The gold coin contains $2 million worth of gold and weighs in at 220 pounds. It is 20 inches across and 1 inch thick. There are 3 coins like it and they went up on auction last year.

18. Don’t Flush the Money Down the Toilet

Yes, this money seat can be yours for only $60. There are many novelty money seats for sale.
19. First Cash Register

James Ritty an owner of a Saloon in Ohio, invented the first cash register in 1879 to stop his employees from stealing money. Later he sold his cash register company and the new owner added a roll of paper to it and started the first line of registers with receipts.

20. Walls of Money

Over $500,000 has been added to the walls and ceilings of this Irish pub. Would hate to see a fire take out this pub. It started with the first waitress who stapled her first tip to the wall. It has grown since then.
21. Stack of Silver Certificates

Not too much info here. A woman posed with stack of packages of $1 silver certificates at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, Washington, D.C. [between ca. 1950 and ca. 1969]
22. Another Vault of Gold

This gold vault hold gold entrust for the owners of the streetTRACKS Gold Shares EFT (AMEX:GLD), the world’s most popular gold fund.
23. Money Tree

This is a random picture of a money tree. They can be found throughout the world. If you are lucky enough to come across one, grab a seed.

24. Ceiling of Money

This ceiling can be found in the No Name Pub in Big Pine Key, FL. The whole pub is filled with money on the ceiling and walls. Started in 1931, and feuled by the popularity of Jimmy Buffet, people have continued to put money of the walls. It is estimated that the pub has $750,000 dollars in money on it’s wall.