Category Archives: Humor

Wikipedia on April Fool’s

Just sharing how Wikipedia’s page looks today-

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Just a minute, let me Topeka that!

As of today, April Fool’s Day, Google has changed its name to Topeka because Topeka, KS has changed it’s name to Google 🙂

Here is Topeka, the website’s new sign-

Here is a chart from the blog that will teach us how to properly use the word “Topeka”

Click on Topeka’s logo below for a link to Topeka’s official blog on the name change:

Creative Puns for Educated Minds

Creative Puns for Educated Minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was — — Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island — — but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker — — but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class — — because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder — — and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, — — it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road — — and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France — — would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race — — they ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow — — fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall — — the police are looking into it.

12. Atheism — is a non-prophet organisation.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway — —   One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger — —   then, it hit me

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said — — ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital    — — his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road — — is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison — — was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray —    — is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet — — writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. — — in feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary — —   they got a taste of religion.

23. Don’t join dangerous cults — — practice safe sects!

Did you know, or even care?

Space scientists have invented underwear that can be worn
four or five days – without causing a stink.

Koichi Wakata, the first Japanese astronaut to live on the
International Space Station, is now testing them in space.

The clothes are designed to kill bacteria, absorb water, insulate
the body and dry quickly.

The new undies should reduce the amount of clothing that
needs to be sent to the space station, which has no laundry
facilities.

—–

The first TV commercial advertisement was sponsored by
the Bulova Watch company on July 1, 1941.

—–

Did you hear about the man who thought he would try
being a salesman?

About a week later he ran into a friend, and the friend
asked him if he had sold anything.

The man replied, “Well, no, but I got three orders last
week — get out, stay out, and don’t come back.”

—–

Authorities in Florida allege a Camden County inmate broke
out of jail, burglarized a store and was then apprehended
sneaking back into jail.

Harry Snapp was arrested Saturday entering the jail with
14 packs of cigarettes allegedly stolen from store about a
block away. Harry the crook allegedly escaped by using wire
from a broom to unlock an electronic door in the jail.

Snapp already was serving time for various other charges
including burglary.

—–

Authorities in Tennessee say an allegedly intoxicated man
stole a school bus to pull his car out of a ditch, then returned
the vehicle to where he found it.

Deputies arrived at the scene of an accident to find Nikobaum
Creech had taken the school bus, used it to pull his car from a
ditch and returned the bus to where it had originally been parked
outside a residence.

Creech was arrested at the scene after a brief struggle with deputies.
He was charged with driving under the influence, felony thief,
resisting arrest and vandalism to county property.

—–

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?

Pogonology is the study of beards.

—–

You know you’re from up north when:

You have more miles on your snowblower
than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

The local Hardware store on any Saturday
is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

You live in a house that has no front steps,
yet the door is one yard above the ground.

Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes get filled with snow.

Making it home during Mud Season is a
competitive sport.

You owe more money on your snowmobile
than your car.

The local paper covers national and
international headlines on l/4 page, but
requires 6 pages for sports.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles
as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a
shotgun.

Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of deer hunting season
is a national holiday.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue
so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.

There is only one shopping plaza in town.

The major parish fundraiser isn’t bingo- its
sausage making.

You find -20F a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep
freezer.

You attended a formal event in your best
clothes, your finest jewelry and your
snowmobile boots.

It’s Only Tuesday

It’s Only Tuesday

AUGUST 26, 2008

WASHINGTON, DC- After running a thousand errands, working hours of overtime, and being stuck in seemingly endless gridlock traffic commuting to and from their jobs, millions of Americans were disheartened to learn that it was, in fact, only Tuesday.

“Tuesday?” San Diego resident Doris Wagner said, “How in the hell is it still Tuesday?”

Tuesday’s arrival stunned a nation still recovering from the nightmarish slog that was Monday, leaving some to wonder if the week was ever going to end, and others to ask what was taking Saturday so goddamn long.

“Ugh,” said Wagner, echoing a national sense of frustration over it not even being Wednesday at the very least.

According to suddenly depressed sources, the feeling that this week may in fat last forever was further compounded by the thought of all the work left to be done tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and, if Americans make it that far, possibly even Friday , for Christ’s sake.

Fears that the week could actually be going backwards were also expressed.

“Not only do Americans have most of Tuesday morning to contend with, but all of Tuesday afternoon and then Tuesday night,” National Labor Relations Board spokesman David Prynn said. “If our calculations are correct, there is a chance we are in effect closer to last weekend than the one coming up.”

Added Prynn: “Fuck.”

Reports that this all has to be some kind of sick joke could not be confirmed as of press time.

Isolated attempts to make the day go faster, such as glancing at watches or clocks every other minute, compulsively checking e-mail, hiding in the office bathroom, fidgeting, or reading a boring magazine while sitting in the waiting room, have also proved unsuccessful, sources report.

The National Instituted of Standards and Technology, which oversees the official time of the United States, is flatly denying that it has slowed or otherwise tampered with Tuesday’s progression.

“The current Tuesday is keeping apace with past Tuesdays with no more than ten-thousandth of a second’s variation at the most,” NIST spokeswoman Dr. Geraldine Schach said. “However, I sympathize with the common consensus that this week has already been a colossal pain in the neck.”

Labor Secretary Elaine Chao released a statement addressing widespread speculation that it might as well be Monday for all anyone cares.

“We understand this day has been tough on many of you, what with meetings mercilessly dragging on and an entire stack of files still left to organize,” Chao’s statement read in part. “Yet we urge Americans to show patience. The midweek hump is just around the corner, and we have strong reason to believe that Saturday will be here before you know it.”

“Go about your lives as best you can,” the statement continued.” Do not, we repeat, do not take a sick day, as it’ll make the rest of the week that much harder to endure.”

In the meantime, citizens are doing their best to cope with the interminable week, though Tuesday is still hours away from ending.

“The more I try to speed it along, the longer it almost seems to take,” said Dale Bouchard, a Chicago-based broker who has been waiting for today to be over since it first began earlier this morning. “Honestly, today could not have come at a worse time this week.”

In the meantime, the latest wristwatch consultations indicate that it is somehow still Tuesday, if that makes any sense at all.

2008 Democratic National Convention

2008 Democrat National Convention 

Schedule of Events

7:00 pm   OPENING FLAG BURNING 

7:15 pm   PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE U.N.

7:20 pm   Ted Kennedy   PROPOSES A TOAST  

7:25 pm   NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP – Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton 

7:45 pm   CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING – Darryl Hannah

7:55 pm   Ted Kennedy   PROPOSES A TOAST

8:00 pm   HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET –  Al Gore 

8:15 pm   GAY WEDDING PLANNING –  Rosie O’Donnell

8:35 pm   Ted Kennedy   PROPOSES A TOAST  

8:40 pm   OUR TROOPS ARE WAR CRIMINALS – John Kerry

9.00 pm   MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS – Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon 

10:00 pm   ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE – Alec Baldwin

11:00 pm   Ted Kennedy   PROPOSES A TOAST

11:05 pm  COLLECTION FOR THE  OSAMA BIN LADEN KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FUND – Barbara Streisand

11:15 pm   FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY  – Sean Penn 

11:30 pm   OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS – William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm    Ted Kennedy   PROPOSES A TOAST

11:50 pm   HOW GEORGE BUSH BROUGHT DOWN THE WORLD TRADE TOWERS  – Howard Dean  

12:15 am   TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD – Presented to Dan  Rather by Michael Moore

12:25 am   Ted Kennedy   PROPOSES A TOAST  

12:30 am  SATELLITE ADDRESS – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad  

12:45 am NOMINATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA – Nancy Pelosi

1:00 am   Ted Kennedy   PROPOSES A TOAST  

1:05 am CORONATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA  

1:30 am   Ted Kennedy   PROPOSES A TOAST  

1:35 am   Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hilary home.

My Complaint about Adam J. Lorenz

This letter is going to be a book of revelations to many readers. In particular, many will be surprised to learn that I contend that it needs to be taken into account that Mr. Adam J Lorenz discounts important principles of our culture as mere platitudes. Let’s review the errors in Adam’s statements in order. First, lackluster, disrespectful slimeballs are burdened with the preconceived ideas or feeble understanding of the circles to which they previously belonged both politically and philosophically.

Given a choice of having Adam undermine everyone’s capacity to see, or change, the world as a whole or having my bicuspids extracted sans Novocaine, I would embrace the pliers, purchase some Polident Partials, and call it a day. He insists that his grievances are Holy Writ. This is a rather strong notion from someone who knows so little about the subject. My purpose here is not to weaken the critical links in Adam’s nexus of snotty racialism. Well, okay, it is. But I should point out that we are at war. Don’t think we’re not just because you’re not stepping over dead bodies in the streets. We’re at war with Adam’s baleful hatchet jobs. We’re at war with his mad values. And we’re at war with his dim-witted prognoses. As in any war, we ought to be aware of the fact that it’s a pity that two thousand years after Christ, the voices of saturnine oafs like Adam can still be heard, worse still that they’re listened to, and worst of all that anyone believes them.

Adam’s trucklers all have serious personal problems. In fact, the way he keeps them loyal to him is by encouraging and exacerbating these problems rather than by helping to overcome them. Adam uses the very intellectual tools he criticizes, namely consequentialist arguments rather than arguments about truth or falsity. If there is one truth in this world, it’s that I do not have the time, in one sitting, to go into the long answer as to why he gives his most banal statements an appearance of profundity by utilizing polysyllabic words such as “pericardiomediastinitis” and “dendrochronological”. But the short answer is that his cultists are merely ciphers. Adam is the one who decides whether or not to destroy our sense of safety in the places we ordinarily imagine we can flee to. Adam is the one who gives out the orders to damn this nation and this world to Hell. And Adam is the one trying to conceal how he has vowed that before the year is over he’ll advocate fatalistic acceptance of an impudent new world order. This is hardly news; Adam has been vowing that for months with the regularity of a metronome. What is news is that every time he utters or writes a statement that supports nepotism — even indirectly — it sends a message that he can scare us by using big words like “poluphloisboiotatotic”. I feel that we mustn’t let him make such statements, partly because the ability to artistically arrange words in an amusing manner does not qualify someone to be the leading social voice of a country, but primarily because if he thinks that he can make me go into hiding then he’s barking up the wrong tree. As I conclude this letter, let me remind you that my goal in writing it was not only to shoo away Mr. Adam J Lorenz like the annoying bug that he is. I sought also to use this letter as a means to focus on the major economic, social, and political forces that provide the setting for the expression of a lackadaisical agenda.

This is funny- you can surprise someone with a complaint letter by going to the Complaint Letter Generator